Receiving Feedback w/ Grace
(Scenarios and Role Play)
RBCM - Directors
C1 - Peer-to-peer
As employees are rehearsing for a special presentation, you have unknowingly participated in the encouragement that the women smile more, a critique that is not made to any of the male presenters who are also rehearsing. One of your fellow Directors found a moment to let you know.
A: So, how did you think the rehearsals went?
B: Pretty good. I think they’re some of the best presentations yet.
A: Did you notice the comments the women received, versus the men?
B: No. Were they different? Did I say anything different?
A: Actually you did. Can I offer an observation? It’s just an offer.
B: Please.
A: OK. Well, the women were constantly told to smile. While the men, who didn’t smile either, were never given this feedback. The focus seemed to be on their content. That was my observation, anyway.
B: (Looking …)
A: I know, right?
B: I’ve trained myself to smile when presenting. I thought that feedback would help. A: Oh I know. But you know how there’s a history of women being told to smile?
B: Yes.
A: I’m sure that wasn’t what you intended, but it may have been the impact.
B: Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate this might have been awkward to bring up. To be honest, I feel really bad about this. Do you think I should apologize?
A: <Insert your thoughts>.
B: OK. Thanks for letting me know.
C2 - Receiving feedback from their leader
A: Thanks for taking time to meet with me.
B: No problem.
A: So I know this has been a difficult month with our deadlines and everything. I hope it’s calmed down a bit for you.
B: Yes. Perhaps we can plan more in advance so it’s not such a scramble to get things done.
A: I need to be frank with you. Staff have come to me and said they were being yelled at, told they were incompetent. I need you to know that while I appreciate the collective effort to get all this done on time, I wasn’t pleased by how the pressure turned into abusive behaviour. I know that’s what folks have experienced in the past, and perhaps it’s become the norm. But your behaviour was actually harmful and depleting of our team.
I failed to say something, or do something sooner.
I want to make my expectations clear. I can’t condone leading a project in this way.
This behaviour is unacceptable. I’m actually quite upset about it.
B: (Pause). Thank you for this feedback.
A: I don’t need solutions today. Actually, if you can give this some thought, can we connect within a week’s time to discuss further what you need to help shift these behaviours? Does this sound good?
B: Yes. I’d appreciate some time to reflect on this.
A: Thanks for taking the time to meet. I need your help in this.
C3 - From a Staff Member to a Director
As a leader, you are expected to take feedback with grace, even when it may be delivered in a harsh, unkind, or inappropriate manner by staff. *Consider the behaviour of grace in an effort to not invalidate the concern and escalate the tone further. The objective here is to de-escalate and set up a safe space for productive discussion.
Staff Member (A) is confronting a Leader (B) with not having been included in a meeting that they feel they should have been informed about in advance.
A: I’m so done with this bullshit! I can’t believe that you didn’t include me in yet another strategy meeting! How the hell am I supposed to do my job?
B: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I can see that you’re really upset about this. And I’m very sorry about the impact this has had on you.
A: Bullshit, you’re sorry. It’s all talk! It would be nice if you actually knew what you’re doing.
B: OK. (pause).
Do you think I could take ten minutes to process this?
A: Sure. Whatever. I’ll come back in ten minutes.
—
B: Thank you for giving me that time. So just to make sure I got this correctly, you’re saying that you should be included in the ongoing strategy meetings because you need this information to do your job, is that right?
A: Yes, that’s right.
B: OK, just so I understand, what is preventing you from attending these meetings?
A: Well, first everyone seems to have this impression it’s an invitation-only meeting. And that you are deciding who needs to be there.
B: OK. And, is there anything else?
A: Yes, how am I supposed to give my opinion on these things if I only learn about the meeting after they happen. Just like this last one. I’m not saying I have to be at every meeting, but I’d like to know the agenda so I can at least submit an opinion.
B: Ok. Thank you for this feedback. And again, I’m sorry you didn’t know about this last meeting, and I’m sorry about the impact missing it had on you.
(Pause)
Thank you for having the courage to bring this to my attention. It must have been awkward. I am responsible for your feeling included on the team, and I think I clearly let you down on that.
I’m going to work on this.
Can I offer to go over what was discussed with you? And also make sure that you are informed of the upcoming meetings?
A: Yes. I’d appreciate that.
B: I’d like to give this more thought. Is it ok if I come back to you with more ideas?
A: Yes. And thank you for being open to my feedback.
B: You’re welcome.
D - Calling-In / Calling-Out
A: CEO
B: Director
N: Narrator
N: You are in a group meeting with the CEO (A). It is a mix of Directors and staff, who are meeting a new executive at the Museum. The new member of the executive team introduces themselves as the former senior strategy officer in another large provincial agency.
A: I completed most of my university studies at the University of Manitoba, and just a little about me, my family moved to Winnipeg in the 1980s as refugees from Vietnam. And my family and I moved to BC in 2010 to take on a role at the Province.
N: Attendees begin to take turns introducing themselves, and sharing where they are in the Museum. One of the Directors (B) exclaims,
B: Wonderful to meet you. So glad to have a new leader at the Museum, and I’m SO HAPPY to see how far refugees from Vietnam have come in Canada! That’s really great. One of our neighbours is a Vietnamese family.
There is an awkward silence, as folks look around the room.
A: Really? (with a very annoyed look).
What they mean is, we’re all really happy to have you join RBCM. Who’s next?
N: The introductions continue.
A to B: Can we chat later today?
B: Sure. I’ll come by around 3:30 PM. Does that work?
N: Later that day.
A to B: So thanks for meeting with me. It was nice for everyone to meet our new executive.
I’m curious though. What did you mean about that comment you made earlier? You know, about the progress of Vietnamese refugees?
B: Well, I remember my parent’s church sponsoring Vietnamese “boat people” in the 1980s. And it was really nice to see someone reach a high level of achievement.
A: Is it possible the impact of that statement was different than what you had intended? I mean, my whole body had a reaction when you said that.
B: I suppose so? How did that come across to you?
A: It just sort of reminded me of hearing someone say, “Wow, you’re so pretty for a Black girl.” Or you’re “so fit for someone who was fat as a child.” What do you think?
B: Ah. Like I was saying, that they’re smart for a refugee?
A: Yes, maybe. And then you said something about your neighbour? I was scared you were going to ask if they knew each other.
B: Does this qualify as a microaggression?
A: I think so. (pause) Are you OK?
B: Not really. But I really appreciate that you’ve been upfront with me about this. Is it OK if I take some time to think about what I’m going to say?
A: Yes, of course. Don’t take too long. It’ll just get more awkward. Also, consider who else was in the room.
B: Would you be open to looking at an apology before I send it out to the team?
A: Yes, that works. Ideally, tomorrow?
B: Yes, I’ll aim for that. Thank you.
E - Speaking out against the majority (challenging the majority opinion)
Staff are proposing that the Museum hold its annual “Holiday Party” in April, so that it’s not so connected to Christmas and more to Spring. The CEO's response at a recent all-staff town hall was, “I think this is a great idea!”
Practice taking turns presenting an alternate perspective.